Parenting teens… reclaim your influence
Earlier this year I was asked to give a talk at a local high school. At first I was excited because I love talking to parents and bringing Positive Discipline principles to life through in-person engagement, including the knowing laughter that comes with shared struggles!
However, my excitement was followed by a feeling of self doubt… parenting teens is so tough and there are no easy answers or quick fixes so what do I really have to offer?
Pen in hand and the blank page in front of me I jotted down all that I'd experienced during the 21 years I'd parented three very different teenagers.
Here's an abbreviated list:
cheating
bullying (both sides of this coin)
suspension from middle school
multiple car accidents
midnight wake up by police knocking at the front door
drug and alcohol use that led to addiction and all that comes with that
Did I mention I have great kids?
Recalling, writing and mulling over this list made me feel much better. I've lived through some hard stuff and I have something to share with these parents!
While we’re in it, it can feel scary, devastating and more than we can bear but it’s deeply reassuring that most teens and parents go through rough periods.
And, we get through it.
Below is sage advice I've collected over the years for parents of teenagers. All of these suggestions take time and won’t change the hard stuff overnight. These practices do however create a foundation on which our relationships will grow in trust and love over time.
We can relax more because there’s no such thing as perfect when it comes to parenting.
Firmness is an internal stance rather than a thing you do to your teen. Firmness supports us in being mutually respectful while setting clear limits. Limits and follow-through are essential and not easy to do while remaining calm. Pick your battles and let go of issues unrelated to safety, as best you can.
Sometimes the most powerful thing to do is nothing (looks like nothing on the outside, yet on the inside it’s a lot of work, forethought and remembering the long-game).
Teenagers are wired to move out into the world. Imagine an explorer or a nomad, the difference is the explorer has a home base to come back to while the nomad is adrift. You are that home base. (metaphor from Dr. Becky’s podcast Good Inside).
Even when your teen pushes you away your steadiness has an impact.
Mirror neurons are real and because they are operating all the time, we have the potential to both calm and ignite each other..
When we over-react or flip our lid (because we’re human!!!) a simple, genuine apology goes a long way toward healing shame and disconnection.
All humans do better when they feel better (this is why punishment may work short-term but fails long-term).
There are no quick fixes when it comes to parenting. It boils down to relationship, relationship, relationship.
QTIP — Quit Taking It Personally. Incredibly difficult. Incredibly powerful. We can’t rely on our child to help us feel okay or good about ourselves.
You are uniquely qualified to love your child, no one else can fill this role. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, you matter more than you know.
Practice & Reflection Questions
What quality or value do I want to model more right now?
How can I set limits and do it respectfully?
What are small, doable ways I can connect more with my teen?
How can I give myself more space — to pause, to calm, to respond thoughtfully, to respect my own needs — and in doing so, create a safer haven for my family?
Consider QTIP: My teens behavior isn’t about me.
