If you’ve ever loved a child suffering with addiction (or mental health issues, learning differences, social challenges or any of the other tough situations that young people face), you know how hard and painful it is to let go while also being present and not giving up. Parenting calls upon the limits of human endurance.*

loving our child despite the hard times is what builds trust. This call for our endless thereness is one reason parenting is so challenging, but it is also why it has the potential to radically change us. Kids give us the opportunity to love another person not because they are always lovable, but because we’ve made the commitment to love them.

A few nights ago I was on a Zoom for parents of middle schoolers and an impromptu theme emerged – waving the white flag. One mom shared, that’s it, I’m waving the white flag when it comes to getting the kids to sleep at a decent time. What followed was a cascade of white flag waving.

My heart ached because of the obvious social injustice that permeates every aspect of our society but there was more. I realized that the story drew me in because -- if I’m being honest with myself -- I could genuinely relate to the motivation of those parents.

Remember that day last summer when I took the girls to the pool and I decided to get out of the middle of the parenting road (because heck it’s dangerous standing there!)?Here’s the scene: I’ve got two 9 year old girls, my daughter Sonja and her friend Gracie. These girls are avid swimmers, eager to get to the pool to play. I fantasize that our trip will include my making serious headway with my summer reading (even tho it’s September), while they amuse themselves.

It’s summer and my daughter and her friend want to go to the pool to play. I fantasize that the girls will occupy each other and I’ll be able to read or at the very least get some knitting done.  Turns out, they want me to join in their amusement. They plead, watch us, watch us as they scheme to perform synchronized, dramatic water jumps and dances.Quickly it’s apparent that I’ve got three options in how to respond to their pleas:

It was the end of our summer time together. My sister and I had a van FULL of kids, hers, mine and our brothers’, parked in my grandmother’s driveway.Over the years it had gotten progressively harder for me to say goodbye to my grandmother. Each year I wondered if this would be the last time I’d see her.

Why does grit matter? According to Angela’s extensive research, grit appears to be a strong predictor of life-long success and happiness -- perhaps more so than innate talent or IQ.  “Our potential is one thing,” she writes. “What we do with it is quite another.” As a parent, I appreciate this definition because it breaks down the ‘talent myth’ that seems to dominate our popular understanding of why people are able to accomplish their goals.

My mom was in charge and I text her, When’s a good time for pick up? Mom texted back, one hour. Five minutes later I receive another text, Make that 30 minutes, followed by NOW! I head over to find my daughter curled up on the couch weeping – big sad boo hoo tears rolling down her cheeks. Mom explains that cousin doesn’t want to share her new modeling clay – I hear a well-known refrain from across the room –

It’s too special.

Meanwhile, steady crying from Sonja. Now comes the tongue biting as I work to keep these thoughts from tumbling out my mouth:

First thing when my son comes home, he goes to the dog, and they share a few moments of mutual adoration and affection (face licks, tail waging, cooing noises). Seeing them together warms my heart. What does my son see in his special friend?

• The no-pressure act of just being

• No one is asking, prodding or demanding ANYTHING

• The warm & fuzzy factor

Then I get it:  for him, my efforts to connect feel like poking, nudging, and even prying; less like a relaxed, neutral, loving presence.

Over dinner my friend Katie shared her biggest take away from taking my parenting series some many years ago. She said,

“It was this simple yet profound concept of communicating the message of love. For me this means continually focusing on the big picture with my kids and letting them know that I love them. I apologize for my behavior when I lose it with them. Now, they’re used to that and even though I make plenty of mistakes and am not a perfect mother, I’m certain they know how much I love them. Every day I’m aware of the value of communicating that love, even in the smallest interactions.”