loving our child despite the hard times is what builds trust. This call for our endless thereness is one reason parenting is so challenging, but it is also why it has the potential to radically change us. Kids give us the opportunity to love another person not because they are always lovable, but because we’ve made the commitment to love them.

It all began when I knit her my 14 year old daughter a sweater. She’d accompanied me to the store to choose a soft, washable yarn in a neutral color she’d actually wear. During Covid I’ve picked up knitting again and found a healthy distraction in searching for patterns and scrumptious yarns. Because my grandmother taught me to knit when I was young, knitting sent a gentle signal to my brain, “Everything’s okay.”

A few nights ago I was on a Zoom for parents of middle schoolers and an impromptu theme emerged – waving the white flag. One mom shared, that’s it, I’m waving the white flag when it comes to getting the kids to sleep at a decent time. What followed was a cascade of white flag waving.

It’s summer and my daughter and her friend want to go to the pool to play. I fantasize that the girls will occupy each other and I’ll be able to read or at the very least get some knitting done.  Turns out, they want me to join in their amusement. They plead, watch us, watch us as they scheme to perform synchronized, dramatic water jumps and dances.Quickly it’s apparent that I’ve got three options in how to respond to their pleas:

My mom was in charge and I text her, When’s a good time for pick up? Mom texted back, one hour. Five minutes later I receive another text, Make that 30 minutes, followed by NOW! I head over to find my daughter curled up on the couch weeping – big sad boo hoo tears rolling down her cheeks. Mom explains that cousin doesn’t want to share her new modeling clay – I hear a well-known refrain from across the room –

It’s too special.

Meanwhile, steady crying from Sonja. Now comes the tongue biting as I work to keep these thoughts from tumbling out my mouth:

Here I describe an everyday interaction with my 6 yo, one from BEFORE understanding the Positive Discipline perspective and one, AFTER. I hope this illustration helps you see how simple shifts can deepen your genuine connection with your child.